The Fairy Tale of Land of The Bolehs

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a group of people called the Light Browns. They were a peaceful and simple people, mainly into agriculture and were largely self-sufficient. The land was separated into many different states, though the population within those states were mostly all Light Browns. While the Light Browns were largely peace-loving, the same could not be said about their Kings, who usually had more than one wife and many princes, thus resulting in succession problems and power struggles for their respective state thrones.

One day, the King of a certain state died. He left behind two sons who fought tooth and claw to succeed their father. One son decided to ask for foreign help, and thus, the Red Hair people were brought into the land. The Red Hair people were not really interested in the well-being and political situation of the Light Browns as much as they were interested in trading and their own business interests. The Red Hair has technological superiority and soon their influence spread to the whole of the land and for a next few hundred years, the Light Browns came under the rule of the Red Hairs and the Kings of the states across the land were reduced to mere political puppets.

To facilitate their efforts in milking the land off its resources, the Red Hairs decided to bring in two other groups of people into the land, namely the Yellow Skins and the Dark Browns. The Yellow Skins and Dark Browns worked as laborers and estate workers and over time, their numbers increased until there were more Yellow Skins and Dark Browns put together than there were Light browns. For a time, all three groups of people lived peacefully alongside each other. But the Red Hairs soon became worried that the unity between the Light Browns, Yellow Skins and Dark Browns may threaten their interests. In light of this, the Red Hairs devised a plan to divide, disunite and conquer the three races of people.

As part of the plan, the Red Hairs kept the Light Browns in their villages and put them in charge of agriculture, moved the Yellow Skins to the cities and let them engage in trade, and send the Dark Browns to estates where they harvested commodities. The arrangement went well over the next hundred years, until a foreign war broke out, commonly known in this fairy tale as the Great War Episode One. Commodity prices fell like a stone and the land, which was heavily dependent on commodity sales, suffered a great recession. Many Yellow Skins and Dark Browns left the land to seek their fortunes elsewhere or to go back to their home countries, and the number of Light Browns in the population became the majority again.

Some 30 odd years after Great War Episode One, the losers of the war decided that they no longer wanted to abide by the peace terms set by the victors. The violation of the terms brought about Great War Episode Two, which proved to be much more fiery that Great War Episode One. While previously the land was only affected economically, this time around it was invaded by the Slit Eyes, whose home country was north of the land. The Slits Eyes came on their bicycles (as in arrived on bicycles, not ejaculate on bicycles) and the Red Hairs, who were supposed to "protect" the people of the land, show their true colors and fled like cowards. The Slit Eyes then proceed to rule the land for 3 years and 8 months.

When the war was over and the allies of the Slit Eyes defeated, the Red Hairs came back to the land and tried to reassert their authority over the land. However, the Light Browns, Yellow Skins and Dark Browns remembered their betrayal and fought together to oust the Red Hairs. The Red Hairs finally left the land, but not before leaving behind a legacy known today by some as the Final Fuck Up.

The Final Fuck Up legacy was based on a strategy of divide and conquer. The Red Hairs gave the land independence, but trained a group of watchdogs to follow in their steps. This group of watchdogs were mostly Light Browns and were schooled in the ways of the Red Hairs. These watchdogs formed a political party called U Must Not Object or better known in its short form as UMNO. They were joined by a group of rich Yellow Skin businessmen who form another party called the Many Chicken Association, a.k.a MCA, who proclaim loudly to look out for the interests of Yellow Skins in the land, but in actual fact were just concerned about their own wallets. The Dark Browns also have their own political party, called the Marginalized In Country, or MIC for short.

Together, the three major parties form a coalition known as Barisan Nincompoop, a.k.a BN, with U Must Not Object as the "Taiko" of the coalition. When this taiko speaks, the other brother parties keep their mouth shut, which is not surprising, considering that the Many Chicken Association has many chickens who dare not speak up on any real issues lest they lose their business interests, while the Marginalized In Country party is looking to do just that: marginalize the Dark Browns in the country till the end of time. And this coalition let loose hell on the land for the following 50 odd years.

Of course, apart from political effects, the Red Hair legacy also made a very deep social impact on the newly independent land, which is now called Light Brown-sia. There are many people in Light Brown-sia who suffer from the Worship-Red-Hair-Syndrome (WRHS). They would always feel that trade products coming Red Hair countries are more superior to Light Brown-sia products, even though the fact is that these products from Red Hair countries are actually rejected stocks that did not meet Red Hair quality standards and were hence dumped to developing countries like Light brown-sia. In short, many citizens of Light Brown-sia were actually Red Hair wannabes. (A song is dedicated below to these wannabes by the narrator, the aptly named Wannabe by the Spice Girls.)



While in many Red Hair countries, the Red Hairs were racists against foreigners, the people of Light Brown-sia were the complete opposites. They were racists against their own people and treated Red Hairs better then their own people. Light Brown-sia women who were "conservative and religious" suddenly had no problems opening their legs to Red Hair men, or men with even a little bit of Red Hair blood in them (these women have low standards). And Light Brown-sia men trusted Red Hair businessmen more than their own kin. Hotel employees also serviced Red Hairs with a smile wider than Heath Ledger in the Dark Knight, and showed a face blacker than Martin Lawrence when they serve regular Light Brown-sia people. All this occurs much to the amusement of the Red Hairs.

As the years go by, the country changed its name from Light Brown-sia, to Bolehland, after a political propaganda which proclaimed "Light Brown-sia Boleh". Many useless projects were carried out under the Boleh propaganda by Barisan Nincompoop, leading to loss of life and resources. Amongst the "classic" projects include sending a tourist to catch a piggy back ride with a Red Hair country's spaceship to make a number of local delicacies in zero-gravity condition.

Another program was the National Stupidity (NS) program, where post-high school teenagers were sent to death camps in the name of "racial unity". Ironic, considering that Barisan Nincompoop were the ones responsible for causng unrest and racism in Bolehland. A total of 16 "detainees" in the National Stupidity program died for various reasons and the program is still on going in Bolehland because the watchdogs (remember them?) from U Must Not Object makes millions and millions of dollars from contracts to maintain the program. These people from Barisan Nincompoop would have long bankrupted the country, had it not been for the fact that Bolehland had an internatonally popular natural resource called the Black Gold.

The people of the country, now known as Bolehlanders, continued to suffer from such blatant abuse until one day they could take it no more and some of them too to the streets and protested. They also showed their dissatisfaction via the vote, and gave the ruling Barisan Nincompoop its worse ever electoral showing. No willing to take it laying down, Barisan Nincompoop resorted to much underhanded tactics to try to throw off the real voice of the people, which is the opposition coalition. Some of the tactics include accusing the de facto leader of the opposition of sodomy, cutting off funding to states that were ruled by the opposition and so on.

Amid all the petty political squabbling, the nation's economy slides ever faster to recession. Many citizens of Bolehland, especially those of Yellow Skin and Dark Brown descend, also migrated to their neighboring country, Lion Pore, as well as other Red Hair countries. Although they are treated as second class citizens in those countries just as they are in Bolehland, at least their pay is higher. People can take more shit if you pay more. As a result, Bolehland continues to suffer from the Brain Drain Syndrome as many of these people leaving the country were professionals which were crucial to nation-building.

As we speak, the situation in Bolehland continues to be in chaos. Barisan Nincompoop is now fighting for its very survival and as history has shown, people fighting for their survival usually come out on top. Aiding them is the fact the mainstream media in the country are in their control and the simple minds of the general Bolehland population makes for easy manipulation.

Bolehland now stands at the crossroads of its future, where the nation's fate depends heavily on which route it takes now .......