Was at a gathering of some former collegemates last night when I ran into a few other former collegemates having their own gathering at the same place. In that crowd was a really hot girl who I used to have a serious crush on. She heard from a friend about my crush and expressed interest. But I backed away bcos I was too chicken shit. I kept thinking I wasn’t good enough for her, she’s too hot, bla bla bla… self-esteem issues that I have still to this very day. Now she’s a gorgeous mother of two, and I’m left wondering what could have been.
Within 2 seconds, I knew the answer to the question “what could have been”. Nothing. I know I would end up bailing on her, just like I bailed on most of the women I’ve dated or been in a serious relationship with. My fren is rite. He thks I always make up some lame-ass excuse or find some minor flaw in a woman before I feel “safe” enough to enter into a rshp becos if shit hits that fan, I will always use that “flaw” as a passport to bail. I never realize that I was doing that becos it was never done intentionally. It’s a sub-conscious thing and it hit me like a fucking ton of bricks when my fren pointed it out to me.
I’m only 26, but sometimes, I feel that the world has already passed me by and left me behind a long time ago…
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